I have neglected my reading, I admit. But, I am confident I will finish this book soon. I would like to share some of my thoughts on confrontation and being a "good girl."
First, I was strangely amazed at how some of this resonated with me. I can torture myself over mistakes - even small ones - for days, weeks, and in some cases even years. I find them to be black marks against my own self worth. It is as if I worry that if I rack up too many black marks, I will be an utter failure with no hope of redemption. As girls we fail to realize that we might do bad things, but that doesn't make us bad people.
It is strange how this myth of what society expects girls to be (we will talk about the external in the future) as people is so unrealistic. The issue of confrontation is one that I see in my own home and with teenagers I work with at times. You confront them with what they did wrong, and most of the time get one of two responses: 1) denial or 2) a complete breakdown.
If one girls does try to confront another, the sad reality is that generally both cannot handle such conflict. The one being confronted may escalate the conflict...one small incident that a confident young woman may be trying to confront and nip in the bud quickly can easily become a school wide epidemic with full on facebook/twitter attacks. The issue is quickly forgotten and some other "problem" becomes the focus so as to justify the responses. In addition, the confident young woman has had such a negative experience that she will learn to just deny, ignore, or deal with issues in a less positive manner because trying to handle it the right way was so poorly received.
I see this cycle so frequently with teenage girls - and sadly - with their mothers as well. So, my constant question is...here is the problem. What is the solution? How do we help girls grow up with a better self image and ability to handle these issues? After all, the real goal is to help young girls become confident women? How can we do that when we accept many of these "stereotypes" or actions as just they way girls are?
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Chapter 3
"If I am not nice, I must be mean, and if I am mean, I am not Good." The Curse of the Good Girl by Rachel Simmons
As I have been reading this book (and not very quickly I might add), these words jumped out at me. It tries to make everything black and white. It tries to make everything so simple. It sums up the actual "curse" we are discussing here as simplistic and easy to define.
However, we know as adults, as parents, as friends, as spouses, that nothing is black and white. Nothing is that simple in relationships. The relationship with ourselves, with our mates, with our friends. In no way can we pretend that there is a black and white. One right and one wrong.
Don't get me wrong - we try to make it that way at times. We want that simplistic easy answer. We, like young girls, want to know exactly what is right and wrong, good and bad, and what will be the right decision. However, when we try to make the decision that simple, we fail to acknowledge or all of the insecurities we have. We fail to acknowledge that we make mistakes - mistakes from which we can learn to become the ladies and women we want to be.
Instead we pretend just like the young girls in the book we are reading. I think many of us are pretending still...
However, society continues The Curse of the Good Girl as we get older...anyone know SuperMom?
As I have been reading this book (and not very quickly I might add), these words jumped out at me. It tries to make everything black and white. It tries to make everything so simple. It sums up the actual "curse" we are discussing here as simplistic and easy to define.
However, we know as adults, as parents, as friends, as spouses, that nothing is black and white. Nothing is that simple in relationships. The relationship with ourselves, with our mates, with our friends. In no way can we pretend that there is a black and white. One right and one wrong.
Don't get me wrong - we try to make it that way at times. We want that simplistic easy answer. We, like young girls, want to know exactly what is right and wrong, good and bad, and what will be the right decision. However, when we try to make the decision that simple, we fail to acknowledge or all of the insecurities we have. We fail to acknowledge that we make mistakes - mistakes from which we can learn to become the ladies and women we want to be.
Instead we pretend just like the young girls in the book we are reading. I think many of us are pretending still...
However, society continues The Curse of the Good Girl as we get older...anyone know SuperMom?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Shopping and Confidence
We have been conditioned as women to believe certain things. In fact, men have been conditioned too. We have allowed some insensitive people who are trying to make money tell us what is funny at the expense of the dignity and respect of both men and women.
It isn't simple...it is all very complicated and the examples you will see in this blog are obvious, however, there are many more subtle ways we tell our girls they can't do anything they want. Think about it...look around the next time you are shopping...share your thoughts.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Chapter Two: Is She Mad at Me? Good Girl Communication Rituals
Okay, ladies. If you are reading this book, you know what this chapter is about: Assumptions. Remember what happens when we assume? Unfortunately, I just kept thinking, "Women do this. Not just girls. Not just high schoolers, but WOMEN do this too."
We make assumptions and often it shakes our confidence. We think we know what others are thinking about us by the way they look at us, talk to us, and act in general. We do not always open our minds and seek to understand. We often first ASSUME we understand instead of seeking to do so.
The girls in this chapter are often their own worst enemy because they make an assumption about the intended meaning of an action which results in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. Here is the question I pose, mothers: In what way do we let these types of actions impact us today?
We make assumptions and often it shakes our confidence. We think we know what others are thinking about us by the way they look at us, talk to us, and act in general. We do not always open our minds and seek to understand. We often first ASSUME we understand instead of seeking to do so.
The girls in this chapter are often their own worst enemy because they make an assumption about the intended meaning of an action which results in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. Here is the question I pose, mothers: In what way do we let these types of actions impact us today?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
It's Tough Being a Girl
As I continue to read the book and process, I also think about how tough it is to be a girl in today's society. I think it is just as tough to be a boy, but women are objectified at every turn. Magazines, books, television, video games, internet, and everywhere you can see.
How are we supposed to have a realistic image of what girls look like? Act like?
How are we supposed to bring up confident girls into young ladies that turn into strong able women?
It seems like all forces fight against us some days - and frankly, it would appear that most people think when we ask these questions, point out the sexism, and challenge the current status quo, they aren't very interested in listening because we are being a little "crazy."
Thoughts?
How are we supposed to have a realistic image of what girls look like? Act like?
How are we supposed to bring up confident girls into young ladies that turn into strong able women?
It seems like all forces fight against us some days - and frankly, it would appear that most people think when we ask these questions, point out the sexism, and challenge the current status quo, they aren't very interested in listening because we are being a little "crazy."
Thoughts?
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence Part 2
First, I apologize for my absence. I know there are only few of you that regularly check in (and I hope to change that, so please, follow me and comment!), but I have had a lengthy absence due to craziness at home. In addition, I am about 4 and 1/2 months pregnant, so there are some days I just crash.
Now on to the Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence. I have been in education for 12 years now and sometimes, someone will write something, say something, or present something that gives me the clarity I have been searching for - even if I didn't know I was looking. One portion of this chapter did that for me. The discussion about girls and how they have no empathy. The comments where girls basically said, I am who I am and if you can't deal with it, tough s@#$! The part where - it is your problem, not mine.
Some of it resonated with me. I remember thinking as a girl and young woman that showing emotion was bad. I wanted to be tough, and be one of the guys. However, it meant masking my vulnerability. I like to think I made it through okay, but that was because I grew up in a stable environment with many advantages. These girls that are told to be tough, be strong, go kick some butt; however, they don't know how to do it without sacrificing themselves and how they really feel.
Girls sacrifice expressing themselves - or learning to express themselves appropriately when they are playing the role of tough girl. If you are tough and don't care, then you don't have to express yourself and you get no practice at how it should be done without being self-destructive. The comments made by school counselors really hit the nail on the head. I have seen this with girls that age. What have you seen?
Now on to the Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence. I have been in education for 12 years now and sometimes, someone will write something, say something, or present something that gives me the clarity I have been searching for - even if I didn't know I was looking. One portion of this chapter did that for me. The discussion about girls and how they have no empathy. The comments where girls basically said, I am who I am and if you can't deal with it, tough s@#$! The part where - it is your problem, not mine.
Some of it resonated with me. I remember thinking as a girl and young woman that showing emotion was bad. I wanted to be tough, and be one of the guys. However, it meant masking my vulnerability. I like to think I made it through okay, but that was because I grew up in a stable environment with many advantages. These girls that are told to be tough, be strong, go kick some butt; however, they don't know how to do it without sacrificing themselves and how they really feel.
Girls sacrifice expressing themselves - or learning to express themselves appropriately when they are playing the role of tough girl. If you are tough and don't care, then you don't have to express yourself and you get no practice at how it should be done without being self-destructive. The comments made by school counselors really hit the nail on the head. I have seen this with girls that age. What have you seen?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
How fathers can help instill confidence in their daughters
Know a dad with young daughters? Pass this on!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence
Let's start with the fact that this will take more than one entry per chapter. There are so many different "things" to think about as you read about girls and their emotions. Some of it is incredibly interesting because I think as grown women we perpetuate this stifling of what girls are really feeling since, in many cases, we are still doing it!
Simmons talks about how when she works with girls, it is often a first step to have them even identify what emotions they are feeling. Girls work so hard trying to feel the "right" emotions they often can't even name what is really going on within them. There are messages coming from parents, teachers, friends, society, and media as to what are the "acceptable" emotions a girl should be feeling, so when girls feel those other emotions, they stifle them in one way or another.
This chapter focuses on knowing, expressing, and accepting emotions. Here are the big questions: How are we supposed to do this with our daughters if we have been brought up in the same myth Simmons discusses in the book? As adult women are we knowing, expressing, and accepting our emotions?
Simmons talks about how when she works with girls, it is often a first step to have them even identify what emotions they are feeling. Girls work so hard trying to feel the "right" emotions they often can't even name what is really going on within them. There are messages coming from parents, teachers, friends, society, and media as to what are the "acceptable" emotions a girl should be feeling, so when girls feel those other emotions, they stifle them in one way or another.
This chapter focuses on knowing, expressing, and accepting emotions. Here are the big questions: How are we supposed to do this with our daughters if we have been brought up in the same myth Simmons discusses in the book? As adult women are we knowing, expressing, and accepting our emotions?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Introduction - The Curse of the Good Girl
Introduction
Wow! That is quite an overview on a bunch of frustrating information I relate to in different ways. Simmons tells us girls are more involved than boys in extra -curriculars and leadership positions in high school, in addition they attend college (undergraduate and graduate) at a higher rate, but are less true to themselves and who they want to be.
Girls are trying to be super impressive, but in all the "right" ways, which means not too much of anything because that could be perceived as negative. I think this will be explored much more as we read on, but I can say with certainty, I can relate to those comments.
Here is my serious concern: Parenting and trying to get this all right in a society that has taught it all wrong. Simmons indicates that girls are disconnecting themselves from their true self. Girls try to feel the "right" emotions, or live up to the needs and wants of others. Those others could be teachers, peers, parents, or boyfriends. How do we teach girls to be aware and okay with their feelings and beliefs as a parent? Some of the things I read made me wonder about how you balance it all.
Hmmm...not sure how much more I want to speak on that right now, but it really hit home. The chapter about parenting appears to be last, so I will hold out to see how Simmons thinks I should work on my parenting. This is going to be a real learning experience....
Wow! That is quite an overview on a bunch of frustrating information I relate to in different ways. Simmons tells us girls are more involved than boys in extra -curriculars and leadership positions in high school, in addition they attend college (undergraduate and graduate) at a higher rate, but are less true to themselves and who they want to be.
Girls are trying to be super impressive, but in all the "right" ways, which means not too much of anything because that could be perceived as negative. I think this will be explored much more as we read on, but I can say with certainty, I can relate to those comments.
Here is my serious concern: Parenting and trying to get this all right in a society that has taught it all wrong. Simmons indicates that girls are disconnecting themselves from their true self. Girls try to feel the "right" emotions, or live up to the needs and wants of others. Those others could be teachers, peers, parents, or boyfriends. How do we teach girls to be aware and okay with their feelings and beliefs as a parent? Some of the things I read made me wonder about how you balance it all.
Hmmm...not sure how much more I want to speak on that right now, but it really hit home. The chapter about parenting appears to be last, so I will hold out to see how Simmons thinks I should work on my parenting. This is going to be a real learning experience....
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Curse of the Good Girl
As a mother helping raise three daughters, I have become distinctly aware of the influence media has on females. My concern has grown as my step-daughters have moved in with the family that includes my three year old daughter. The barrage of media influences are damaging to our daughters - to females in general. The images we see and behaviors we witness through the constant flood of media is overwhelming and the messages are difficult to process.
These images and influences don't just affect our daughters, they affect us as well. What mother doesn't read a magazine about another "Super-Mom" and wonder why we can't live up to that standard? How many of you have flipped through a magazine only to gaze at the perfect skin of an airbrushed model or body shape of some famous figure with three children? As a grown woman, who knows reality (and how it is airbrushed into fantasy), we are still wondering how to attain the unattainable for those few moments. How can we expect our daughters not to be affected when it affects us?
Now, this might seem like a tangent, but it isn't - I promise. I am a sorority girl through and through. Kappa Delta Sorority. Now before you stop reading, or roll your eyes in judgement (we do that to each other - I know!), let me tell you what Kappa Delta is doing. Have you heard of the Confidence Coalition? It is a fantastic beginning. The Confidence Coalition has banded corporations, organizations, and groups together to say, "We want to help girls, young women, and grown women be confident, successful members of society. We want women to like themselves!" That is awesome!
The Confidence Coalition introduced me to Rachel Simmons. I had heard of her book Odd Girl Out, but through this information, I also found The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. I am going to read this book and blog about it. There is an introduction, followed by twelve chapters and an epilogue. That means there will be a minimum of fourteen blog entries about this book. I will reflect on what the information means to me as a mom and educator. I hope you will consider joining me for this informal book study. I think discussing these issues is crucial to becoming a better woman, mother, wife, and friend.
These images and influences don't just affect our daughters, they affect us as well. What mother doesn't read a magazine about another "Super-Mom" and wonder why we can't live up to that standard? How many of you have flipped through a magazine only to gaze at the perfect skin of an airbrushed model or body shape of some famous figure with three children? As a grown woman, who knows reality (and how it is airbrushed into fantasy), we are still wondering how to attain the unattainable for those few moments. How can we expect our daughters not to be affected when it affects us?
Now, this might seem like a tangent, but it isn't - I promise. I am a sorority girl through and through. Kappa Delta Sorority. Now before you stop reading, or roll your eyes in judgement (we do that to each other - I know!), let me tell you what Kappa Delta is doing. Have you heard of the Confidence Coalition? It is a fantastic beginning. The Confidence Coalition has banded corporations, organizations, and groups together to say, "We want to help girls, young women, and grown women be confident, successful members of society. We want women to like themselves!" That is awesome!
The Confidence Coalition introduced me to Rachel Simmons. I had heard of her book Odd Girl Out, but through this information, I also found The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. I am going to read this book and blog about it. There is an introduction, followed by twelve chapters and an epilogue. That means there will be a minimum of fourteen blog entries about this book. I will reflect on what the information means to me as a mom and educator. I hope you will consider joining me for this informal book study. I think discussing these issues is crucial to becoming a better woman, mother, wife, and friend.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cause and Effect
Miss Representation has really done a great job of getting information on the social media websites to make us think about the impact social media has on us. Check out this video. It really made me think, and it brings up some great points to discuss with your daughters. We can't stop social media, but we can be intelligent about how we ingest it!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Taking Criticism
As a person, one of the most difficult skills to learn is how to take criticism of any kind. As a grown woman, I still struggle at times to make sure I remember that constructive criticism is useful and necessary. However, we often forget to help teach young women how to work through accepting constructive criticism. Rachel Simmons, a confidence professional, gives her insight on not taking it personally. Pass this on to any female that might find it useful!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Miss Representation
Helping raise girls has made me more aware of the world around me. It is unfair to expose our young daughters to the media pressures I believe I can handle as an adult woman. I have become much more active learning about how women are portrayed in the media and trying to determine how I can counteract that with my own children. If you are raising young girls, I would strongly recommend watching Miss Representation, a fantastic documentary that really makes you think about how the media portrays us, and how we allow the media to do so. Check out the website about the documentary here.
Full of Awesome
If you haven't read this blog post from PigTail Pals and you are raising girls, or are a girl, you need to read this. We all need the reminder that we are all full of awesome. We may lose track of it, but it doesn't leave. We just need to celebrate it and acknowledge it. In other words, ladies, we should live that we are awesome - don't let anyone tell you differently!
What do you think of the Full of Awesome post at the link above? I would love to hear your thoughts!
What do you think of the Full of Awesome post at the link above? I would love to hear your thoughts!
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