Think before you speak...

I read this several months ago, but it certainly deserves another look. I find myself constantly wanting to fall into the trap of commenting on how cute little girls (and boys) look. It is particularly difficult with my own daughter because I think she is beautiful! However, my daughter and I have something else we do. I ask her what she is full of (dangerous question, right?) The answer is full of awesome, brave, smart, and important. She is four - and she knows she is all those things! The challenge is making sure she knows it at fourteen!

The Good Girl and Confrontation

I have neglected my reading, I admit. But, I am confident I will finish this book soon. I would like to share some of my thoughts on confrontation and being a "good girl."

First, I was strangely amazed at how some of this resonated with me. I can torture myself over mistakes - even small ones - for days, weeks, and in some cases even years. I find them to be black marks against my own self worth. It is as if I worry that if I rack up too many black marks, I will be an utter failure with no hope of redemption. As girls we fail to realize that we might do bad things, but that doesn't make us bad people.

It is strange how this myth of what society expects girls to be (we will talk about the external in the future) as people is so unrealistic. The issue of confrontation is one that I see in my own home and with teenagers I work with at times. You confront them with what they did wrong, and most of the time get one of two responses: 1) denial or 2) a complete breakdown.

If one girls does try to confront another, the sad reality is that generally both cannot handle such conflict. The one being confronted may escalate the conflict...one small incident that a confident young woman may be trying to confront and nip in the bud quickly can easily become a school wide epidemic with full on facebook/twitter attacks. The issue is quickly forgotten and some other "problem" becomes the focus so as to justify the responses. In addition, the confident young woman has had such a negative experience that she will learn to just deny, ignore, or deal with issues in a less positive manner because trying to handle it the right way was so poorly received.

I see this cycle so frequently with teenage girls - and sadly - with their mothers as well. So, my constant question is...here is the problem. What is the solution? How do we help girls grow up with a better self image and ability to handle these issues? After all, the real goal is to help young girls become confident women? How can we do that when we accept many of these "stereotypes" or actions as just they way girls are?

Chapter 3

"If I am not nice, I must be mean, and if I am mean, I am not Good." The Curse of the Good Girl by Rachel Simmons

As I have been reading this book (and not very quickly I might add), these words jumped out at me. It tries to make everything black and white. It tries to make everything so simple. It sums up the actual "curse" we are discussing here as simplistic and easy to define.

However, we know as adults, as parents, as friends, as spouses, that nothing is black and white. Nothing is that simple in relationships. The relationship with ourselves, with our mates, with our friends. In no way can we pretend that there is a black and white. One right and one wrong.

Don't get me wrong - we try to make it that way at times. We want that simplistic easy answer. We, like young girls, want to know exactly what is right and wrong, good and bad, and what will be the right decision. However, when we try to make the decision that simple, we fail to acknowledge or all of the insecurities we have. We fail to acknowledge that we make mistakes - mistakes from which we can learn to become the ladies and women we want to be.

Instead we pretend just like the young girls in the book we are reading. I think many of us are pretending still...

However, society continues The Curse of the Good Girl as we get older...anyone know SuperMom?

Shopping and Confidence

We have been conditioned as women to believe certain things. In fact, men have been conditioned too.  We have allowed some insensitive people who are trying to make money tell us what is funny at the expense of the dignity and respect of both men and women. It isn't simple...it is all very complicated and the examples you will see in this blog are obvious, however, there are many more subtle ways we tell our girls they can't do anything they want. Think about it...look around the next time you are shopping...share your thoughts.

Chapter Two: Is She Mad at Me? Good Girl Communication Rituals

Okay, ladies.  If you are reading this book, you know what this chapter is about:  Assumptions.  Remember what happens when we assume?  Unfortunately, I just kept thinking, "Women do this.  Not just girls.  Not just high schoolers, but WOMEN do this too." 

We make assumptions and often it shakes our confidence.  We think we know what others are thinking about us by the way they look at us, talk to us, and act in general.  We do not always open our minds and seek to understand.  We often first ASSUME we understand instead of seeking to do so. 

The girls in this chapter are often their own worst enemy because they make an assumption about the intended meaning of an action which results in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy.  Here is the question I pose, mothers:  In what way do we let these types of actions impact us today?

It's Tough Being a Girl

As I continue to read the book and process, I also think about how tough it is to be a girl in today's society.  I think it is just as tough to be a boy, but women are objectified at every turn.  Magazines, books, television, video games, internet, and everywhere you can see.

How are we supposed to have a realistic image of what girls look like?  Act like? 

How are we supposed to bring up confident girls into young ladies that turn into strong able women? 

It seems like all forces fight against us some days - and frankly, it would appear that most people think when we ask these questions, point out the sexism, and challenge the current status quo, they aren't very interested in listening because we are being a little "crazy."

Thoughts?

The Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence Part 2

First, I apologize for my absence.  I know there are only few of you that regularly check in (and I hope to change that, so please, follow me and comment!), but I have had a lengthy absence due to craziness at home.  In addition, I am about 4 and 1/2 months pregnant, so there are some days I just crash.

Now on to the Myth of Girls' Emotional Intelligence.  I have been in education for 12 years now and sometimes, someone will write something, say something, or present something that gives me the clarity I have been searching for - even if I didn't know I was looking.  One portion of this chapter did that for me. The discussion about girls and how they have no empathy.  The comments where girls basically said, I am who I am and if you can't deal with it, tough s@#$!  The part where - it is your problem, not mine.

Some of it resonated with me.  I remember thinking as a girl and young woman that showing emotion was bad.  I wanted to be tough, and be one of the guys. However, it meant masking my vulnerability.  I like to think I made it through okay, but that was because I grew up in a stable environment with many advantages. These girls that are told to be tough, be strong, go kick some butt; however, they don't know how to do it without sacrificing themselves and how they really feel.

Girls sacrifice expressing themselves - or learning to express themselves appropriately when they are playing the role of tough girl.  If you are tough and don't care, then you don't have to express yourself and you get no practice at how it should be done without being self-destructive. The comments made by school counselors really hit the nail on the head.  I have seen this with girls that age.  What have you seen?